Pilates is for pansies!

"Could this be any easier?" I asked myself as I previewed my Pilates video before drifting off to sleep last night.  "I won't even have to stand up!  This will be CAKE!"  After the morning's Yoga adventure, this would be a breeze!  I happily (and dare I say...excitedly!) set my alarm for 6am.  Sunrise...here I come!!

Once again, my sleep was restless... from the time Abby crawled into bed with us (about 2am) until my alarm went off.  Abby knows she is not allowed to come into bed until Daddy leaves for work...yet she tries (and is sometimes successful...like she was in this instance) to weasel her way in while he is still home.  So, barely out of the haze of my deep sleep, I opened up the covers to her before she even spoke.  Surely Daddy was gone by now.  She snuggled up behind me and fell quickly back to sleep.  I opened one eye and saw Aaron sleeping next to me, then I checked the clock...2am...shoot!  She got me again!  The next four hours were restless...and all to familiar.  Little bony elbows in my face...knees in my spine...heels pushing on my full bladder.  "Abby, scoot over!" I ordered...to which she complied...only to return to my side, limbs outstretched and invading my precious sleeping space.

At least I wasn't swallowing...

At 6:01, I was awakened..."No!" my body protested..."I haven't slept well again!".  I hit the snooze and told myself "Ok...6:10 you HAVE to get up!".  I pushed Abby off of me onto Aaron's side of the bed (she now had his whole side of the bed to stretch out on) and dozed for 9 more minutes.  When the alarm sounded again, I woke and turned it off.  Her Royal Highness had her arm flung over my face and a knee pressed into my spine...I rolled out from under her and stood up...

Perhaps I could catch a couple more Z's on the Pilates mat! I thought to myself.

I went into the bathroom and checked my gut's profile in the mirror...as I do every morning.  Hmm, I thought, I look skinnier...and stronger.  I got on the scale...165. Shit.
My mind is a seasoned liar...

I was sore from yesterday...and had a bit of a headache.  My mind continued it's usual dissent of doing anything out of the ordinary..."I don't have the scientific data to prove this, but I'm convinced you received brain damage yesterday from Yoga...

Somewhere in your Medulla Oblongata, I'm pretty sure....

An aneurysm perhaps...

"Please go back to bed", my thoughts turned to pleading..."waking up this early is bad for your health!  It will kill you quicker than your fatness will!  What's the point of getting healthy if the very method by which you are doing it will kill you anyway!"....hmmm...that WAS a good point...

No more excuses...I was up, and I was going to do Pilates...brain damage or not.

I can't say I have much experience with Pilates.  My best friend's mom came over one day this past summer and showed me how to use my Pilates Reformer machine.  She gave me quite a work out on it! I was sore, and tired...and have never used the machine again.

But this video...this HAD to be easier!  So what if I had to balance my fat self on a small pink ball.  That pink ball didn't intimidate me!  No sir!  I conquered Yoga yesterday!  That pink ball...well, that's for pansies!!

I chose the 20 minute session...just because it was the one I watched last night.  I can do ANYTHING for only 20 minutes!  .... I was psyched!

How quickly I had forgotten that it only took Yoga 15 minutes to twist my intestines!

I began the warm up with ease...confident in my abilities.

Then....came....the.....ball....

The beautiful gazelle on the screen was twice my length and half my width.  She and her ball worked beautifully together...long legs stretching...gliding...defined abs tightening and relaxing...all with a relaxed, content smile on her face.

My ball and I hated each other from the moment I placed it under my hips to begin my leg/lower body work out.  In fact, I believe wholeheartedly that it laughed at me a few times...

The beauty on the screen instructed my to raise my legs to the sky and exhale while engaging my core.

My core...ah yes!  I remember my friend's mom showing me how to do that!  Yes...I can engage my core..

"Inhale, lower your toes and lightly brush the mat....exhale raise your legs high", she continued

I'm lowering...where's the mat?  Oh man...this hurts....oh crap!  I'm exhaling when I should be inhaling!....My toes..I'm still not touching the mat!!....

"Engage your core and let your powerhouse do all the work" she continued.

My powerhouse?.....What in the hell is my powerhouse?  Do I HAVE a powerhouse? If I did, I'd sure like to find it so it could help me out a little.

My powerhouse....

Powerhouse....

Power...
House....

I did a quick mental scan of my body...from my head to my toes....nope....I am pretty positive that I do not possess this powerhouse of which she speaks...

The sweating began...

"Next, we are going to do the helicopter" she said in her soothing voice.  "Raise your legs perpendicular...."

"Helicopter!?"  I looked at the screen to see what I should be doing.  Oh yeah...I remember this from last night...this looks fun!

I closed my eyes and pointed my toes high in the air.  I balanced myself firmly on the ball and began doing the helicopter.  In my mind, I could see the Gazelle twirling her long legs high above her in a smooth, rotating motion.  I did the same.  I imagined my legs....straight....strong...pointed.... swirling gracefully above me, like a Maple seed gently spinning while falling to the ground.

I opened my eyes to see this thing of beauty that I was creating...instead I saw reality...my chubby stumps bent...gnarled....gyrating clumsily about....

For a fleeting moment, they reminded me of a bucket of crab legs...but still alive and moving.....

The sweating continued and the nausea began.... jolting me back to reality....

Not again!!  Am I REALLY that out of shape?!  I wondered.

At that moment, the gazelle instructed me to sit up and do a few stretches..."Congratulations" she exclaimed "You have finished this part of the video".

"Oh thank God!"....I said out loud.



I'm pretty sure I heard the ball ask... "Who's the pansy now?"